Posts tagged ‘CW’

One Tree Hill, “Choosing My Own Way of Life”


That’s right. SLAMBALL.

Not only does such a thing exist (the 2008 championship game is gonna be on CBS on November 2–I AM SO THERE), but apparently, Tree Hill is a large enough media market to earn its own Slamball team.

Actually, the website keeps the actual team locations neutral, so I’m not sure where the actual Slamball teams are located. Maybe that’s to keep things sorta generic in terms of geography, so that they’re not tied down to specific cities and thus more capable of building allegiance from cities across the country? Or maybe their website sucks.

I do know, however, that all the Slamball activity seems to be concentrated in the southwestern United States–California, Texas, Arizona, etc. Which means suddenly putting a franchise and stadium in North Carolina, on the other side of the country, in virtually the middle of nowhere, seems highly unlikely. Except in the Schwannverse.

My wife accurately predicted that Brooke would adopt a teenager LAST season, when she was temporary foster mom to that little Mexican baby who needed surgery and just up and disappeared when the plot no longer needed her. Adios, dear Consuela or Rosaria or whatever. Vaya con dios.

I saw the Brooke/troubled teen writing on the wall in episode 1 of THIS season, when Samantha appeared within the first twenty minutes to try and steal a “designer” “top” from the Skanks ‘R Us outlet store…excuse me, the Clothes Before Bros boutique.

I’m not sure if I should be proud that we are both so well-tuned to the mental machinations of the Schwann, or terrified.

“You just heard a mouthful!”

Two men enter, one man leaves: Farewell to John Doe, who essayed Peyton’s long-lost biological father, and also happens to write great songs:

(Seriously, give that a listen.)

And a hearty “welcome back” to the skanky bartender who caught Brooke’s eye last season, and returns as one of the star players of Tree Hill’s Slamball team, the Largely Nonsensical Plot Twists!

I really want to see Dan Scott shoot Skillz in the head. Not because I hate Skillz, although I still feel sorry for actor Antwon Tanner, but because I prefer Dan the Largely Unrepentant Murderer to Dan the Fallen Favorite Son Making Amends.

Come on. Dude’s a fucking stone-cold killer, right? He shot his own brother for sleeping with his woman. Skillz should be an easy one. He can even use the crazy nanny’s gun.

Are they seriously making this up as they go along? In my prior career as a Respected Entertainment Journalist (For Officially Licensed Publications Of Genre TV Series), I talked to lots of TV writers. They all described the process of “breaking” a TV season as long and arduous, requiring any number of organizational methods, from index cards on a cork board to the full-time services of a writers’ assistant dedicated just to scribbling down their pearls of wisdom on a daily basis.

For One Tree Hill, I bet it’s Schwann, a dime bag of herb, and a pack of Crayolas.

Mouth meets Millicent. They fall in love. Mouth takes job in Omaha. Mouth and Millicent leave Tree Hill.

Then, Brooke gets assaulted. Millicent returns to Tree Hill. Mouth stays in Omaha, where he is incredibly successful in his chosen career, one he has seemed incredibly passionate about up until this moment.

NOW, Mouth is leaving Omaha, because “friends are more important,” or some shit.

This is apparently how it happens, folks. You’ve always wondered how the guy who works the night shift in your hometown got where he is today, when in high school he wanted to draw comics, or start a band, or have his own suggestive clothing line.

Maybe his dream came true, but because “friends are more important,” he decided to move back home, shack up with Grandma, and take a job at the local 7-Eleven. You know, just for a while. Just till he gets the band back together.

Except the band never gets back together, and now he’s there behind the counter, waiting for Grandma to kick in and die so he can claim her double-wide and die alone.

Oh, yeah. Not really alone, because “friends are more important.” The “friends” who made the same mistake and now they work for the weekend too, in fast-food joints and grocery stores and quickie oil change garages.

Man, Mouth’s right–friends are AWESOME.

I hope the final episode of One Tree Hill pays off on this, someday–I would pay Schwann good money for an epilogue finale where he fast-forwards twenty years, to find our main cast broke, desolate, lonely, consumed by petty addictions, and stuck in the same dead-end mindsets that started back in high school.

That’s a good idea, right Jamie?

I thought so too.


October 14, 2008 at 12:59 pm 2 comments


So the holidays are over, and it’s back to the grind.

Had a very nice little break. The kid got sick on Saturday night, which led us to a torturous visit to an after-hours pediatric clinic yesterday, during which she screamed for about two hours straight, in between fits of mad giggling at our antics and pleading to “touch fish” located on the walls as decoration.

Otherwise, lots of Wii, lots of eating, lots of laffs. We watched the Rankin-Bass Frosty animated specials about 652 times, and counting. I cleverly used store credit and/or gift certificates to acquire some DVDs, a doohickey to let me edit my camcorder video on the computer, and a second remote for my in-laws’ Wii.

Speaking of which, that shit is NUTS. My body has ached from playing fake bowling.

I knew we were getting back into our normaltime groove when I spent last night reading while my wife caught up on the New Years Day One Tree Hill marathon. Can I just say something? Dan Scott is the BIGGEST DICK IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION. Seriously. His character is astonishingly bold in his awfulness. He shot his brother, then shacked up with his ex-wife, who is pregnant with said brother’s baby. And that’s just for starters.


That fucking show…it’s hypnotic. I can’t NOT watch it.

January 2, 2008 at 12:18 pm Leave a comment

Later, Twigs.

Twiggy will be departing the esteemed judging panel at America’s Next Top Model, to be replaced by Paulina Porizkova. No word on whether or not Rik Ocasek, the scrawniest and scraggliest man ever to marry a supermodel, will guest.

I hope Paulina is SUPER bitchy. We watched a few reruns of old ANTMs on TV this weekend and I missed Janice a little bit, I have to confess.

(I hope this doesn’t qualify with my wife as the “pseudo-Perez Hilton” that she says sounds so unlike me.)

November 26, 2007 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment

ANTM: “Bitch Poured Beer on My Weave!”

America’s Next Top Model has one of the most delicious premises on television: Lock a gaggle of stuck-up skinny bitches into the same enclosed space, let the claws pop out, and have Tyra Banks presiding over it all like some benevolent Michelin man.

The early episodes always offer the best of this, since there are stuck-up skinny bitches who are just pretty enough to make the first cut, but too crazy to actually make the show. These particular skinny bitches stomp in, stir up shit, then leave weeping and promising defiantly to “not let this crush their dreams” or something.

This season’s action takes place in New York, and so the casting episode made a move as well, to the Caribbean and a cruise ship. Maybe it was the more chillaxin’ surroundings, but there was a decided lack of bitchy bitchiness in last night’s launch; those hoping for a return to the legendary “Bitch poured beer on my weave!” days were certainly disappointed. I know I was.

I am, however, excited that a hunchbacked geekette made the cut, as she gives off this creepy vibe of the girl at the university computer lab spending too much time logged into her Ultima Online account, and that can only make for wacky hijinks. Sorta like the girl who was a backyard wrestler and contracted a skin disease, but different.

September 20, 2007 at 1:35 pm 2 comments


Unsolicited opinions, snarky comments, and links aplenty—one man’s endless journey through the wild, wacky worlds of pop culture, fatherhood, and life in Central Florida.

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