Posts tagged ‘Big Brother 8’

BB8: “Niagra Balls.”

There’s a point each season at which Big Brother becomes absolutely unwatchable. Not just annoying, not merely obnoxious; truly worthless.

I would assume that many viewers feel this way, and that we are united in our blase, half-disgusted knee-jerk viewing of these final weeks of Big Brother 8. Maybe I’m wrong, and there are covens of Donato fans out there who are sitting around their televisions several times a week to cheer on Dick and Daniele, but I don’t think so.

Big Brother 8 hit its unwatchable point last night, with the exit of Jameka and the final cementing of either one or the other Donato (or maybe BOTH) in the final two.

These final fits and starts of Dick’s “strategy,” which seems to have involved him being an absolute asshole to everybody at some point or another, are more eye-rolling than anything else. It’s gone way past the point of “Oh, clever move” and into the “Wow, he really IS just a jerkoff” territory.

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His daughter isn’t much better–look up “spoiled brat” in your handy dictionary and you will see her picture, probably without the roots, since she’s clearly needed a bottle of peroxide since day 24.

Then there’s Zach, who is making a fair push to become a late-game hero, but just can’t seem to shake the domination of the Donatos. He’s standing up well to Dick’s verbal attacks, maybe better than any other houseguest has, and yet he JUST CAN’T WIN WHEN HE NEEDS TO.

This is where you cannot fault the Donatos, especially Daniele; they have truly dominated the competitions. Daniele is as far away from Janelle of BB6 and BB All-Stars as one can imagine, in terms of personality and wit, but she does share an uncanny ability to trounce fellow houseguests when her life is on the line.

So now we sit, and wish they’d show more of the jury house, since that’s where all the cool people are hanging out anyway. It seems almost impossible for any worthwhile, decent person to win a Big Brother; inevitably, the biggest dickhead walks away with the money…and the hatred of their fellow houseguests and much of America, to boot.

September 12, 2007 at 12:16 pm 2 comments

BB8: “Thanks, God.”

I’m not a particularly religious fella myself, but I’m certainly from the “live and let live” school–as long as you’re not blowing up schools as part of a fatwa or picketing funerals because you think homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina, you’re okay in my book.

I’m not really sure where “you amuse and annoy the crap out of me with your batshit crazy religious perspective” fits into living and letting live, but that’s where I put Amber.

Instead of accepting the more commonly-held views of the Lord and Savior, such as “Omnipotent yet Largely Detached Superbeing” or “Warm, Cuddly, Benign Force for Good,” Amber seems to prefer a God who is just as obsessed with Big Brother as she is. She really believes he’s controlling the game and trying to communicate with her through its events.

Amber, if God really IS attempting to communicate with you, he will have a more important message than “You will win the Power of Veto.”

Another batshit crazy one is Eric, but in a more annoying way–has there ever been a more spineless, testicle-free dude on a reality show? He’s a master at worming his way out of trouble, there’s no question about that, and that gift makes him a really great BB player.

But dude–why has it taken you WEEKS to make a move on Jessica???

When this experience is over, you will crawl back to NYC and spend the rest of your life being romantically tortured by a heavyset woman with incredibly low self-esteem. That’s a guarantee. Right now, some cheerleader inexplicably finds you attractive enough to provide physical solace. Enjoy it while you can, because it’s going to be a long rest of your life, having to use your incredibly meager charms to woo women instead of having the bonus advantage of being trapped in a confined space with no ability to contact the outside world or speak with anyone you know and/or love.

Man, I wish I could act as a diary room adviser to these freaks. That might be my dream job.

August 28, 2007 at 10:33 am Leave a comment

BB8: “Glad you had my back.”

I would say we’ve officially slipped into the turgid, excruciating phase of this season of Big Brother.

You know what I mean. The part where it stops being fun and starts being at turns boring, annoying, and lifeless.

In some seasons, this moment is delayed till the last week or two. The ever-classic season six managed to maintain interest and fun right up until the finale, thanks to houseguests who were genuinely likable and watchable.

This season, we’ve run out of those likable/watchable folk. We’re left with the obnoxious and cloying, plus Dick, the biggest asshole ever to appear on Big Brother, which is saying something.

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If he has hopes of carving out his own Jonny Fairplay-style niche in the reality television world, then congrats, Dick, cause you’ve pulled it off. I now hate your guts about as much as I hate that fucktard Jonny.

(Although his “upper deck” prank on the eminently forgettable E! series Kill Reality, where he shat in the top tank of a toilet to piss off Tonya, was CLASSIC.)

Hell, at least the much-hated Jen had the self-awareness to admit she didn’t care much about the game and was appearing in the show as a grab toward minor fame. You KNOW Dick’s thinking the exact same thing, except he has the audacity to prance around the house claiming he’s got “integrity” in “the game.”

Listen, idiots in the house, you need to hear this, so I hope you read it someday: Big Brother is a REALITY SHOW. It is not a “game” with “integrity.” This ain’t baseball, and Jen ain’t Pete Rose for skipping out on slop. After all, if the game DID have “integrity,” then the shameless producers would have penalized Dick a long time ago for abusing Jen so badly that her only recourse was to bleach his cigarettes and eat a turkey burger.

Seriously. The dude fucking BURNED HER WITH A CIGARETTE. This is the show that once booted a contestant for playfully putting a knife to someone’s throat, and now we’re saying mild cigarette burns are okay?

I guess they are if it’s someone who the producers clearly want around for the cheap thrills he allegedly gives the viewers.

The reality check here is that most viewers must hate Dick. At least, if they have even a semblance of spine and/or decency, they do. None of these “characters” can compare to BB’s best players, even Dick. The only one who comes close is Eric, and that’s just because he’s been pushed against the wall time and again by the America’s Player twist.

Here’s an interview with BB exec producer Alison Grodner where she claims the producers are still upholding the “integrity” of “the game.” Whatever.

It’s still a good game–the best on television, easily–and it’s still usually fun to watch. The rest of this season will just be a little hard on my stomach, because these houseguests are rapidly coming close to appearing on my list of “Reality Show Stars I’d Punch in the Gut If I Saw On The Street.”

(Dick, you’re already on it, right beneath BB6’s Ivette. Congrats.)

Screencaps courtesy of Hamster Time, which tastes exactly like God.

August 24, 2007 at 9:52 am Leave a comment

BB8: “Taste God.”

How does one TASTE God, Jameka? And what does he taste like?

(I think he tastes like a McDonald’s cheeseburger.)

Yes, someone actually said “Taste God.” It was Jameka, flipping out in the aftermath of Big Brother’s most vicious and sadistically clever competition EVER.

The wake of the veto comp had four people pouring buckets of watery manure on their heads every hour for 24 hours, then wearing bunny suits every other minute of the day, for an additional four days. So, five days of a weird smelly bunny hell.

Plus, Kail cannot compete in the next five HOH comps. Which is a serious setback for someone who’s been on the block three times in a row so far.

Dick and Daniele are escalating their pointless tirade against Eric, but it seems as though the other houseguests are smelling the truth somewhere amid the dirty clothes and manure hair. If the Dick/Daniele reign is allowed to exist for much longer, this is going to become a pretty unsufferable show; Dick’s antics were funny at first, then seemed like smart strategy, but are now just annoying to watch.

(I’ll keep watching, however, because I heart Big Brother.)

Anyway. What else? Oh, Amber hates Jews.

“The majority of people I know from New York are Jewish, and the majority of Jewish people I know, my gosh, so many are so selfish. So weird. Even my sister always tells me, she’s like my sister, and my mom will meet someone and I’ll be like, ‘I don’t like that person. That person doesn’t seem like a very good person to me,’ and my mom and sister are like, ‘You know why?’ Why? ‘They’re Jewish.’ How do you know? ‘Amber you can tell by their last name, you can tell by their nose.’ I’m like, ‘Really?'”

August 8, 2007 at 5:13 pm 2 comments

BB8: R.P.

Is this a slightly weird season of Big Brother? Or is it just me?

Usually, by this point, some kind of alliances have congealed and begun their sinister deathly dances to win and lose votes/competitions/vetos. Floaters are discussed and despised, alliances shift as houseguests depart, and a relatively stable ebb and flow of bitching, bitterness, and selfishness takes control.

This season…it’s just kinda all over the place. While all the loudmouth idiots and their weepy friends and daughters tug the house this way and that, clever floaters like Eric, Jessica, and Jameka continue to percolate just beneath the surface, carefully avoiding any of the drama while offering just the right level of support and agreement to the Dick regime.

And quite a regime it is, being as it seems primarily based in Dick offering excruciating verbal and mild physical abuse to Jen over and over and over. These clips are choice in that they offer not only Dick being an absolute obnoxious asshole, but Nick weakly piling on and joining in the “fun.”

At first, I didn’t like Jen very much, and frankly, I don’t know if I do right now. I do know that I have some serious pangs of sympathy for her, and I have to guess that eventually (if not NOW) the other houseguests will start to feel the same way. So if it’s strategy for Dick, he’s way overplaying it, and if it’s not, it’s simply idiotic. Is he trying for a “New Howie” designation? Howie ripped apart April when the season was nearing its end and after weeks upon weeks of abuse by the “Friendship.” Dick’s tearing Jen apart in a far more vulgar, vicious way after just a couple of weeks of…who knows. Jen being Jen, I guess? Anyway, it’s not the same, nowhere near the same, and it’s not working.

(None of these clips are the fabled tea pouring that Dick performed on Jen as spotlighted in last night’s episode. Damn YouTube! Damn you to hell!)

I’m definitely enjoying the show; frankly, I hope it takes these morons a good long while to figure out the floaters and put them on the block, because it’s fun to watch these people eat each other alive. It’s just that there’s a lot of shock and awe, and very little decent strategy, which is what it usually takes to win.

August 3, 2007 at 3:45 pm Leave a comment

BB8: Dick Talks Shop

For the BB8 die-hards, Dick’s Head of Household Diary reveals volumes on strategy and game.

July 30, 2007 at 11:02 am Leave a comment

BB8: (Power) Trippin’ with Evil Dick

First, we need to spend a moment on the veto competition.

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WHAT. Also, THE. And of course, FUCK???

The costumes were strange by themselves; they were elaborate enough to qualify the houseguests for a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland.

But then, the surreal and twisted imagery of these people wearing fake mustaches, pig noses, and French maid outfits as they jeered and mocked the competitors…did they do that of their own accord? Were they ordered to do it by Big Brother? Or are they really that sycophantic when it comes to Evil Dick?

Which, of course, brings us to the real point of this post: Unpacking Evil Dick’s game.

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He’s taking a fascinating tack, this whole “brutal honesty” thing. The idea of someone who takes these whispery, backstabbing conversations and then turns right around and broadcasts the details to the whole house, even as he rails against the lying and the under-the-bussing that’s a fact of life in the Big Brother house? It’s made for some great TV, if nothing else.

At the same time, as strategy, it sorta blows. All week, I’ve been contemplating Kail as the first worst player in the BB8 house; she pushed way too hard way too fast, and attempted to assume a role of “master manipulator” that didn’t quite fit, especially since she seemed to make bonehead calls regarding who was the real “threat” to her game. (Joe? Probably a threat. Dick? Not so much.)

However, I’m now turning to Evil Dick as he takes his place on the HOH throne, and I see how his strategy has the same fatal flaw that Kail’s does: He’s pushing too hard, too soon. Even if you’re in the majority of the house and you actually LIKE Evil Dick, it’s hard to deny that he is suffering a BIT of a power trip, and even if you don’t buy it as a “power trip,” it’s at minimum some asshole behavior that will make it harder and harder to stay on his side throughout the course of the game.

The mild advantage Kail has had to this point is that her machinations have at least taken place within “confidential” meetings and diary room babblings. Now that Dick’s targeted Kail, however, she can’t squirt a fart without Dick broadcasting the “betrayal” of her gas to the house.

Which, of course, draws a potentially even bigger target on Dick’s back; if his plan is to play the game with this level of aggression and “honesty,” it won’t take long before even his best friends realize he’s not worth having around, and band together to take him out.

On the other hand, the bigger that target gets, the smarter it may be to keep him around as a disliked attention grabber. Say what you will about Jen, but she’d be a great person to bring into a final two, since no one likes her and unless you’ve somehow managed to become an even bigger jerkhole than Jen, you’re guaranteed the votes. Dick might find himself slipping into that same category: Players who are only worth keeping around because they suck so bad, not because they have any value as players in the game.

Screencaps courtesy of Hamster Time, easily the greatest BB website around.

July 25, 2007 at 10:02 am Leave a comment

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